How to Be a Bridezilla
Sure, your wedding is about marriage and love and commitment and all that stuff – but mostly, it’s about throwing the biggest, most beautiful, most incredible, most perfect party of all time. This day is all about you, so it’s your absolute right as the bride-to-be to obsess over the color of your napkins, scream at your wedding planner, and drag all your friends and family into your personal, all-consuming maelstrom of wedding madness.
You might permanently damage some important relationships along the way, but hey, it’s a risk you’re going to have to take. Nothing and no one should get in the way of that perfect day!
Are you a future bride who’s just too nice? Do you need tips on terrorizing everyone around you into submission to get what you want? Then read on for 5 easy tips on becoming the dreaded Bridezilla.
Talk about your wedding – and nothing but your wedding
Weddings are a big deal. Your family, friends, colleagues, hairdresser, doctor, dentist, mailman, and cashier at Target all want to know how the planning is going. Even if they don’t ask, they want to know. Trust us.
Make sure not to spare any of the details. You could field the question with a quick “It’s going well, we just picked the cake!” or “Don’t even ask, it’s been crazy!” but where’s the fun in that? Instead, try launching into a twenty-minute tirade on how incompetent your florist is or how much trouble you’re having finding confetti that complements the carpet. This is really interesting stuff, so everyone in your life deserves to hear about it!
If your best friend, mother-in-law, or bank teller tries to change the subject, don’t be afraid to take control of the conversation and direct it right back to you. As the bride-to-be, your life should be the center of everyone’s attention for at least (at least) six months leading up to the wedding.
Take over your bridesmaids’ lives
All bridesmaids have to do is buy an expensive dress and accessories, cover travel and accommodation expenses for getting themselves to your wedding, plan and throw an awesome bachelorette party, and remain at your beck and call for several months to cover all your advisory and emotional needs. Simple!
A good way to make sure your bridesmaids are working hard enough is to make sure you schedule frequent wedding planning meetings to constantly disrupt their schedules. In the lead-up to your wedding, absolutely every get-together you plan with your bridesmaids should be all about the wedding – don’t waste time on pointless social stuff or worry about whatever personal problems they might be dealing with in their own lives.
If they complain, well, clearly they’re not really your friends.
Blow your budget (blow your guests’ budget too, while you’re at it)
It goes without saying that your wedding has to be perfect, so what’s a couple extra hundred (or thousand) dollars in expenses if it gets you that dream? Wedding budgets are really just meant as guidelines for the minimum you should spend. Why pick between a luxury wedding dress and those elaborate chandeliers when you obviously need both?
If your parents, in-laws, or other relatives are contributing financially to the wedding, you should be especially liberal with your expenses. A little debt for you or your family doesn’t matter in the long run – you shouldn’t make any compromises when it comes to living your dream.
The same goes for your guests. After all the time and money you’ve put in to organizing this gorgeous wedding, the least they can do is buy you a nice, expensive present. Even that third cousin you’ve only met twice in your life should be willing to fork out $300 for a designer espresso machine. If your guests’ gifts don’t live up to your expectations, feel free to remind them how much you had to pay for their meal.
Develop tunnel vision for your dream wedding
Like we said before – your wedding has to be perfect. Nothing – and we mean nothing – should get in your way. As well as going over your budget, don’t be afraid to make totally unreasonable demands of your wedding planner, bridesmaids, or guests.
Has your best friend put on a little weight after a bad breakup? Suggest that she start dieting if she wants to stay part of the bridal party. Is your uncle a notoriously casual dresser? Don’t even bother inviting him. If you’re really coordinated, you can even suggest a color scheme for your guests’ outfits. It’s important for the people at your wedding to look just as good as the décor, even if it means stepping on a few toes in the process.
Same goes for your wedding planner. You’re paying them, after all, so they should be following your every command. To get the most out of your wedding planner, you should be calling them multiple times a day to give them new instructions or change your mind about major decisions.
Don’t worry about all the work they’re putting into your big day; if they can’t accommodate every desire, whim, or flight of fancy, clearly they’re not doing a very good job.
Ignore every other part of your life to focus on your wedding
It’s great that your sister just had a baby, but you’re too busy to think about that right now. Remind her that you’re getting married in only a few short months, so you don’t really have the time to look at baby pictures.
Same goes for work. If you have to take a day off once in a while (or once a week) to deal with wedding planning, that’s totally fine. Your boss will understand. Friends, family, and colleagues should be prepared not to see much of you in the upcoming months – you’ve got way too much to do.
Oh yeah – and then there’s your fiancé. You keep having to bail on lunch with him to check in with the caterer, and you’ve basically moved in with your wedding planner, but that’s okay. You’ll have plenty of chances to spend time with your groom-to-be after you’re married.
What’s a wedding planner to do?
It’s your wedding, so it’s your right to behave horribly to everyone you come into contact with in the months leading up to the big day. Especially your wedding planner – you’re paying them to deal with you, right?
Your wedding planner might find themselves tearing at their hair after every phone call with you, but in some ways you’re actually helping them out. Your tantrums, outrageous demands, and overall volatile temper will help them become better problem-solvers and more pragmatic communicators in the future. Dealing with you gives them the kind of valuable business experience they just can’t get from even the best event planning courses. Plus, after dealing with you, planning their next client’s wedding will probably feel like a paid vacation!
They have the added advantage of getting to walk right out of your life as soon as their work for you is done – you, on the other hand, get all the fun of trying to patch up relationships with family members, friends, and colleagues that may have irreparably damaged by your poor behaviour during your bridal period. What’s not to love?