How to Give the Worst Wedding Toast EVER
You’re a superstar—but you already knew that. You beat out all the contenders for the coveted spot of Best Man / Maid of Honor at the upcoming wedding. In fact, you’ve fulfilled all your duties—including throwing the best bachelor[ette] party that mankind has ever seen! But you’ve got one major duty left: The wedding toast.
Wedding toasts are usually given to congratulate the newlywed couple on their union—but that’s too basic. Dare to do the unexpected! If they’re anticipating a chocolate chip cookie, give them strawberry pudding! If they’re asking for pizza, give them some saltine crackers!
You’re likely the most interesting person at that party, and anyone who doesn’t know that the wedding reception is your time to shine, well, they’re about to! Read on to find out how to give the best wedding toast that’ll definitely get you invited to every wedding for the next five years!
What better way to calm your nerves than some old-fashioned—stop right there and just order an Old-Fashioned! If the wedding has an open bar, take that as an open invitation to help yourself to all the liquor you can get your hands on. You know you’re on the right track when all your words start to slur together and your vision is starting to double. Don’t worry, those are just physical symptoms of your courage manifesting itself. You’ll be ready to take the stage when you’ve tripped over yourself and your sentences 5+ times in under a minute. People love physical comedy—give the audience what they want!
Make an entrance
Don’t be like Joe Lame-o from the last wedding who just rose from his seat and delivered his speech at his table. Every good speech starts with an electrifying entrance! Storm the stage like GOB from Arrested Development! Cue the DJ to blast The Final Countdown and set off some fun pyrotechnics! Alternatively, fill up a Super Soaker with grape juice and run around spraying everyone (the bride’s white dress is fair game!) while hurling hundreds of business cards into the air. We can guarantee that you’ll be the talk of the town after that.
Beat around the bush
Everyone knows that they’re at a wedding, so why repeat the fact? Why bring up marriage, the wedding ceremony, even the bride and groom at all? You don’t need to talk down to your audience—it’s implied that you’re all there to celebrate a matrimonial union. Instead, defy the conventional and talk about something else—literally anything—before you get to the part about your best friend’s incredible future with his/her new life partner.
Talk about yourself
It may be your best friend’s wedding, but the job of making the toast lies in your hands. So take the time to talk about yourself. Retell that mind-bending narrative about your grocery-shopping adventures and cap it all off with that hilarious thing your dog did that morning. Let your audience know exactly what makes you tick. Hey, if the bride and groom wanted the speech to be about their marriage, they should have made themselves the toasters!
Open mic night
You’ve only got a couple minutes in the spotlight so make it count! What’s a better tactic to bring people onto your side and realize how great of a person you are than some jokes? Take the time to rattle out a couple jokes at your best friend’s expense. At this point, everyone is all cheered out. You’re really doing everyone a favor by introducing life to the low-energy reception. Besides, when else will you get such a willing audience?
Bling out your presentation
Make use of all the amazing technology available to you! Why not make a PowerPoint presentation slideshow of your best friend’s embarrassing photos in their awkward teenage years? Remember to exhaust every available transitional animation and sound effect available!
Want some pizzazz? Put together a music video and employ some snazzy flash animation. And if you’re really ambitious, pair your speech with an interpretive dance number—you will blow their minds!